Life With Myrtle: Season One. Episode 1. Pilot

  In the Kansas City suburb known as South Kansas City, sits a ranch-style home in a quiet neighborhood, known as Royal Meadows. On the front porch, sits Myrtle Thomas, a widow who's lost her Husband, James Thomas 2 years ago. Myrtle sits in her chair, with a glass of water on the table next to her rocking chair, as her neighbor, and close friend, Mitzi Williams walks over, as she sighs "I see you're up to your normal habit." Myrtle points to her water pitcher, and tells her friend "Pour a glass of water, and let's watch the hookers." Mitzi rolls her eyes, and reminds Myrtle "A high school Myrtle. A high school's up the street, not a whorehouse." Myrtle quips sarcastically "With the way those girls dress, you can't tell the difference." Mitzi sighs with defeat "You really get enjoyment sitting out here being the mean old lady don't you?" Myrtle gives a mischievous grin, and Mitzi reminds her "I babysat most of those kids." Myrtle responds "Should have bought some of them some clothes." Mitzi sighs "Styles change." Myrtle suddenly gets up, as she yells at some of the teenagers "Put on some damn clothes!" One of the teenage girls yells back "Go take your Geritol old woman!" The teenage girl gives Myrtle the bird, as she and her friend walks down the sidewalk as they whisper "What a bitch." Myrtle yells back, as Mitzi covers her eyes "Ms.Thomas hussy!" A car pulls into the driveway, as Myrtle's youngest Daughter, Sarah Thomas walks up to the porch, as she asks Mitzi "You and Mama doing her favorite past time?" Myrtle looks at her Daughter, with a smile, and runs and hugs Sarah, as she beams with a smile "Oh Sarah! My favorite Daughter!" Mitzi meanwhile tells them "I think I'll head back over to my house and cook dinner." Myrtle yells "Bring me some." Mitzi walks away, as Myrtle and Sarah walks inside, and Myrtle asks Sarah "So what brings you over sweet girl?" Sarah pulls out a red change purse, and tells her Mother "I was feeling lucky and thought we could go down to the casino." Myrtle smiles, and tells Sarah "I had the same idea. Those bratty ass kids were being mean to me again." Sarah responds "Or was it the other way around? You can't fool me Mama. Since Daddy died, you seem to get joy out of being the mean old woman." Myrtle sighs "Helps me to be ready for whenever Regina may appear." Sarah asks "Have you met number ten yet?" Myrtle asks, as she paints on her eyebrows "I may be 80, but I don't watch Sesame Street Sarah." Sarah sighs "Regina's new Husband." Myrtle sighs "Ah that ten." Sarah whispers "He hangs out in that bar in Grandview, and he's been around." Myrtle quips "So has your Sister. Fitting." Sarah and Myrtle heads out, as they head down to the casino, one of their favorite things to do together, as Sarah and Myrtle are very close.
   In Grandview, Regina Jones sits at the bar, called "The Veteran's Club" with her Husband Ted, as she continually calls her Mother, but gets no response, as Regina panics "What if she's fallen Ted? What if.." Ted asks "You worry too much about her. And when do you think I will get to meet your Mother?" Regina sighs "I bet Sarah's already told her about us getting married on the singles cruise. I shouldn't have said anything to her. She's always been Mama's favorite child." Ted asks "Didn't you tell me you have a Brother also?" Regina quickly answers "He moved overseas. I have no use for him or Sarah. Mama favors them. I was a Daddy's girl." Ted's phone rings, as he answers, and responds "What? I told you I'd pay you next week!" Ted slams the phone shut, as Regina asks her Husband "What's wrong Teddy bear?" Ted cries "I lost my house. I made a bad bet." Regina smiles "Well we can move in with my Mama! She's old and feeble and we can go ahead and beat Sarah to the punch." Ted is quiet, as he tells his Wife "My Mom and Dad told me I couldn't stay with them anymore." Regina smiles "My Mama always gives in. She'll feel sorry for you and open her doors."
   An hour later, at a casino on the Missouri River, Myrtle and Sarah sits inside a diner, as Myrtle looks at Sarah, as Sarah tells her Mother "They're building a strip mall where the apartments are, so I have to move immediately. Mr.Dick saw dollar signs and sold." A waitress walks by, as Myrtle grumbles "She forgot my silverware. Do I have to self serve?" Myrtle gets up, as Sarah covers her eyes, as Myrtle walks into the kitchen, and goes "Where am I?" A cook, tells Myrtle "No customers allowed in the kitchen!" Myrtle walks around, and grabs her silverware, as she tells the cook "Maybe all of you should learn what the hell you're doing assholes, and don't expect a damn tip!" Myrtle struts out, as she walks back to her table, and Sarah looks at her Mother, and laughs "Next time we'll get a Whopper." Myrtle looks around, as she sees no cameras, and spits into her dinner, and Sarah's, as Myrtle quips "We'll get a freebie." Myrtle yells for the waitress, and the waitress walks over, and sighs "What is it now?" Myrtle snaps "Who spit in my damn food? Someone also spit in my sweet Daughter's food also. I'll call your Manager!" The waitress yells "Damn it's on the house. You always cause problems." Sarah attempts to apologize, as Myrtle smiles, and responds "I'm an old lady, I can do what I want. See?" Myrtle lights a cigarette, and walks out, as Sarah follows her Mother, telling her "You can't smoke in the lobby Mama." Myrtle tells Sarah "You can stay with me Sarah. Now just shut your trap." Sarah thanks her Mother, and sighs "You're crazy." Myrtle smiles "Comes with age, but don't tell Regina. She overreacts."
   At Myrtle's House, Regina and Ted pulls up, with three suitcases, as Mitzi stands on her porch, and watches on with a look of dread in her eyes, as Mitzi yells "Myrtle's gone." Regina pulls up the doormat, and grabs the key, and smiles "It's ok. Mama won't mind." Mitzi mutters to herself, as she walks back inside her home "That's what you think." Regina and Ted walks inside, and Regina notices the smell of perfume, and tells her Husband "Mama must be gone. We can settle in." Ted and Regina starts to kiss, as Regina stops Ted, and tells him "Take the luggage to the bedroom." Ted heads to the guest bedroom, as Regina snoops through the kitchen, and looks in the refrigerator and pulls out a bottle of wine, as she opens and takes a drink, as Ted walks into the kitchen, and sighs "You must have packed everything." Regina smiles "I did." Ted asks "Any beer?" Regina responds "No. Mama doesn't like it, but she's senile so she can deal with it." Meanwhile at Sarah's apartment, Sarah and Myrtle has returned, as Sarah tells the moving company "Take my things to the storage kingdom on 90th and Ash." Myrtle smiles, as she tells Sarah "We'll be roomies now Sarah." Sarah tells her Mother "I plan to move out when I find a.." Myrtle stops her Daughter, and defiantly tells her "You can have your old bedroom, and you will stay with me. Now that that's settled, let's go home." Sarah and Myrtle drives back to Myrtle's house, as Sarah drives, and Myrtle turns on her cell phone for a moment, and sees 30 missed calls, and turns the phone back off, and throws it out the window, as Myrtle laughs "She'll have a hard time getting in touch now." Sarah laughs, as does Myrtle as they pull onto the interstate, as they get closer to Myrtle's house.
   Back at Myrtle's House, Regina and Ted have made themselves comfortable, as Regina tells Ted, as he puts back on his pants "I feel so sorry for you." Ted sighs "At least we don't have to worry about having kids now." Regina, as she takes a drink of wine, responds "I already have six children and too many Grandchildren to count. It's alright." Ted looks at the wine bottle, and tells his Wife "Since there's no beer, let me drink some of that wine." Regina, who's buzzed, tells her Husband "All gone." Ted yells "Damnit." In the driveway, Sarah and Myrtle pulls in, as Mitzi stands on her porch, as she says to herself "Guess I'll pull up a seat to see this." Meanwhile Sarah parks her car, as she tells her Mother "Look who's here. Wanna run?" Myrtle tells Sarah "Get your suitcase, and I'll run her off." Myrtle walks to the door, as she looks under the doormat, and has a disgusted look of anger, as she opens the door, and Regina walks out of the den, as Regina cries "Mommy! Mommy! I was so scared!" Myrtle pushes Regina away, smelling wine, and goes "Did you snoop into the wine I've saved for 20 years?" Sarah meanwhile walks inside, with her suitcase, as Ted yells "Go get em. Knock his ass out!" Regina tells Sarah "Ted and I are moving in to take good care of Mama. She's so fragile.." Myrtle sarcastically responds "Who said you could move in?" Regina responds "Well Mama, that's what Mothers do. Take in their children when they have no place to go." Ted walks out of the den, as Sarah sees him, and laughs "Ted Jones. The impotent wino of Grandview." Myrtle goes "This is Ted?" Regina gleams "Isn't he wonderful. The man of my dreams." Myrtle responds "Number ten or eleven Regina?" Sarah tells her Sister "I'm moving in, so the two of you can go stay at the roach motel on the interstate." Regina yells at her youngest Sister "I'm going nowhere, and I've already made myself comfortable Sarah!" Myrtle rolls her eyes, as Sarah and Regina starts to argue, and Ted watches on, as the chaos begins.