Life With Myrtle: Season One. Episode 11. Information, Ask Myrtle

   At Myrtle's Home, Sarah sits inside the living room, as she looks around her Mother's home, as the house is empty, and sighs "Ahh it's so peaceful, Mama and Mitzi are on their walk, and Regina's at work, and Ted's drowning in booze." Sarah pulls out her laptop, as she says to herself "Well my last test before the finals." The door opens, as Myrtle walks inside, as Mitzi shakes her head, as Sarah turns around, and asks her Mother "So how are you liking your new walking place." Myrtle sighs "I hate Parkway Mall, and Mitzi and I went instead to Quivira Park, and I got some news." Sarah turns towards her Mother, as Mitzi looks at Myrtle, as Sarah asks "And what would that be?" Myrtle says in a sad tone "Mitzi and I was walking Quivira Park this morning, and I seen they had a seat empty in the information booth, and I applied for the job. They need some help keeping those teenage floozies in check, so I offered my services." Mitzi adds "And it's across from the "W" word." Myrtle snarls "I won't look towards it." Mitzi goes "Myrtle, they anchor both sides of where you'll be. I think I want to make a bet. How long before you go bat-shit." Myrtle smiles "I've moved on." Sarah quips "Oh yes Mama. On your birthday Aunt Ira sent you a gift card for Willard's, and you burned it. Yeah Mama." Myrtle looks at Mitzi and Sarah, and quips "Well it'll be good for me. And I love helping people out. I miss working..." Mitzi looks at Sarah and tells her "I'm heading home, we all know where this is going." Mitzi sneaks out as Myrtle starts to ramble "I worked at Jones from downtown, to Overland, and then the bastards the next state over bought my beloved store, and fired me, and did away with my favorite place besides the Casino." Sarah reminds her Mother "I worked there too, but Mama are you sure you're able to work at what you called for years "The Enemy?" Myrtle shrugs "Oh yes Sarah. I have my temper under control." Sarah sarcastically responds "Sounds like Ted telling everyone he's a social drinker." Myrtle heads out on the front porch, as she laughs "Well I start tomorrow. I'm excited. A new adventure!" Sarah sighs "A disaster."
   Night has arrived, as Regina and Ted sits in the kitchen, as Regina tells her Husband "So since Mama's working, I'm inviting my friends from work over for some drinks." Ted, drinking a beer slurs "Ahh? Well I'll invite mine too since the old bat you call a Mother will be working." Regina looks at her Husband, and smiles "She's old, and working will tire her. She won't care at all." Sarah walks out of the basement, as she looks at her Sister and Husband, and smiles mischievously "I was standing behind the door. Party time tomorrow?" Regina snaps "Yes! And we have a right to have company over here. Hell Mama will be too exhausted to worry, and I picked up brochures today." Sarah walks over to Regina, and whispers "I'll be here, and Mama will be home before all of you get well lit. But hey, she may not give a shit." Regina nods "Exactly Sarah. By the way do you want to look over these nursing home brochures?" Sarah asks in a snark "Finally admitting you've lost your mind and moving into one old woman?" Sarah shakes her head, as Regina looks at Ted, and goes "She's a bitch." Ted, buzzed, tells his Wife "So are you. Both of you take after that old bat." Sarah heads to her bedroom, and laughs "It's good you two are planning while Mama sleeps. Need a mirror?" Regina tells Ted "Let's go to bed." Ted slurs "Ok. But that's all. I'm tired." Regina rolls her eyes, as she responds "And that's supposed to be my job."
   It's the next day, and at Quivira Park Mall, in Overland Park, Myrtle sits inside the information kiosk, in the center of the mall, as the Mall Manager tells Myrtle "Here's your directory, and remember, always a smile." Myrtle smiles at the Manager, as she responds "I know how this works. I used to work at Jones before you were thought of." The Manager walks away, as Myrtle looks down at a computer, and asks herself "Oh well, some entertainment." Myrtle logs onto a social media site, and begins to type in some names, as she quips "Time to check on the family." Meanwhile a woman walks over, and asks "Ma'am. Do you know when Willard's open?" Myrtle mumbles "Willards?" The woman asks Myrtle "You work information." Myrtle looks up, and responds "They closed." The woman looks behind Myrtle, and then turns, as she tells Myrtle "And it looks like you shouldn't be at this job you old woman." Myrtle yells "And I hope your purse strap breaks you slut!" Mitzi arrives, along with Alberta, as Alberta laughs "Did we just hear the Myrtle Thomas we all know come out of that information desk?" Myrtle snaps "Bitch just asked me about Willard's." Mitzi sighs to herself "Looks like I won the bet." Alberta tells Mitzi "Well they are having a nice sale. We should check it out." Myrtle yells "The hell you will!" Mitzi quips "By tomorrow we'll be walking together again." Myrtle asks in a snarky tone "Did the two of you come down here to test me?" Alberta looks at her friend, and tells Myrtle "Actually, Mitzi and I just ran into each other. She's walking, and I'm signing a lease for a spot for my salon's 3rd location." Myrtle points to a temporary wall, and smiles "There's one right next to Willard's." Alberta responds "That's the spot." Alberta and Mitzi walks away, as Myrtle sits at her desk, and watches the crowds enter the two Willard's, and Myrtle fumes, as she says to herself "You inbreed bastards took my Jones, now time for the payback." Myrtle gets over the telecom, with mischief in her eyes, as she calmly responds "Fire in Willard's! FIRE!" The crowds run out of the stores, as Myrtle smiles.
Meanwhile, as afternoon has come, at Myrtle's Home, Sarah returns with anger, as she says to herself "Amelia what am I going to do about you?" Sarah looks around the yard, as Zara sits on Alberta's porch, with a bottle of wine, yells "Them white folks need to turn that damn music off. Sounds like hell's playhouse. I've yelled, but they don't know what I'll do. I saw liquor." Sarah shakes her head, and snarls "Regina." Zara sighs in a slurred tone "That girl is as white as it gets. But you are one I like, and my Great-Granddaughter. You've done your best." Sarah tells Zara, looking towards Myrtle's Home "Thank you. I need to go crash this damn party. So things may be loud for awhile, but done." Zara puts on her sunglasses, as she rocks, and takes a drink of wine, as Sarah walks over, and notices two people on the porch, staring at Sarah, as she glares at them, and walks inside, as Sarah notices Regina's friends inside, with a beer keg, and Sarah looks for her Sister, who's in the kitchen, drunk, as is Ted, and Sarah yells, as she turns off the music, "Who in the hell are you?" Regina snaps "Damnit Sarah. Can't we have some time at the house we rent?" Sarah smiles "I think Mama would do a cartwheel down State Line Road if you moved far away!" Regina yells "I'm going nowhere!" Sarah looks towards the crowd, and snaps "Party over! All of you, except you Regina and Ted, will leave!" Regina yells "Don't listen to her!" Sarah glares, and walks through the house, and Regina's party ends, and Regina and Ted look at each other, as Sarah looks around the house, and responds "Let's relax. I know Mama's enjoying her job." Regina pulls out a beer, and asks Sarah "Oh family bonding?" Ted asks "Basement Sarah?" Sarah replies "No. I wouldn't worry, so just relax. Drink. I don't feel like having a party here." Regina looks at her Husband, and responds "She's really the oldest." Ted goes "Oh." Sarah reminds her Sister "Mama named you after the town Mama and Daddy conceived you." Regina walks into the den, and Sarah heads to the basement, as Regina tells Ted "She's just starting something. Plotting." Ted lays on the couch, as Regina looks around.
   As the afternoon turns to evening, At Quivira Park Mall, Myrtle sits inside the Mall Manager's office, as he's angry, and asks Myrtle "What's your problem with that store? They own half of our mall." Myrtle gasps "Shit! You all took over my.. The enemy grows!" The Mall Manager looks at Myrtle, as he pulls out his hand, and Myrtle looks into her purse, and responds "I don't have any. But I will find myself another damn mall." Myrtle storms out, and drives home, angry, as she says to herself "And I lied." Back at Myrtle's Home, Sarah walks out of the basement, as she looks around, and Regina yells at her Sister, as Sarah walks into the den "Shouldn't we clean this mess up?" Sarah quips "Mama won't be worried about this party you threw. And since you pay rent, you're entitled to a party Regina. Don't worry about it. I'm going next door." Sarah walks outside, as Regina turns towards Ted, passed out on the couch drunk, and yells "Wake up Ted! She's being too damn nice." Ted slurs "Shut up. I have a headache." Sarah walks over to Alberta's as Alberta and Mitzi sits on the porch, as Sarah asks "Where's Zara?" Alberta points inside the house, and responds "She passed out. I saw a wine bottle out here when I returned from the mall." Sarah asks "How's Mama and her new job?" Mitzi quips "She yelled fire over the intercom when Willard's opened, and when we left, she was yelling at some teenagers, calling them little sluts." Sarah responds "Well I didn't mention ownership to her. If she knew Willard's was half owner, she'd flipped." Alberta sighs "Myrtle will never forgive that store I don't believe..." Suddenly, Myrtle's Buick flies into the driveway, as Sarah looks at Alberta and Mitzi, and Mitzi quips "Well that didn't last long." Mitzi follows Alberta inside, as Sarah walks towards her Mother, as she slams the car door, and sees beer cans, and asks Sarah "Well what in the hell was going on here?" Sarah tells her Mother "So I was informed what happened at the.." Myrtle yells "Screw Quivira Park! I'll never shop there again!" Sarah replies "You never have Mama." Myrtle smiles "And that's why I'm smart. Thank god you inherited my intelligence. Now who threw a party at my house?" Sarah puts her arm around her Mother, as she whispers "Regina did. She didn't think you'd care." Rage fills Myrtle's eyes, as she asks "Please tell me you saved me some hell to raise?" Sarah sighs "Look inside." Myrtle opens the door, and looks around, as she gasps "What in the hell.." Regina walks into the living room, and begins to plead forgiveness, as Myrtle yells "Shut up you wrinkled old slut! And clean this damn mess! NOW! MOVE IT! Standing up." Regina snarks to her Sister "You set me up!" Myrtle yells at Ted "Wake your impotent ass up and help your Wife!" Myrtle tells Sarah "Order the two of us pizza, while we watch these two clean this damn mess. At least this day will be enjoyable." Regina gripes to Ted, as Myrtle stands and watches, and yells "Shut up and clean! My damn house!" Regina and Ted starts to clean, as Myrtle watches with anger in her eyes, as she quips "I get fired, and my house gets destroyed by a twit and an idiot. A bad day all around!"

 

Life With Myrtle: Season One. Episode 10. Sarah's Nightmare

   It's morning time at Myrtle's House, as Myrtle sits on the patio and drinks a cup of coffee, as Sarah walks outside, as she asks her Mother "You've been quiet this morning Mama?" Myrtle points towards the home behind her, and whispers "They just got done having sex in their pool." Sarah gasps "Mama. Are you spying on your neighbors?" Myrtle quips "They really are too damn ugly to look at. Jimmy and I stayed in the bedroom, or the kitchen table." Sarah sighs "Too much information this early in the morning Mama." Myrtle sighs "Ahh the joys of something I retired from when your Daddy died. Good thing I got a toy though." Sarah covers her face, as she blushes, as Myrtle whispers, as she keeps watching the neighbors behind her "He put on some clothes. Good I thought I was about to puke." Regina walks out, as she prepares to head to Pancake King, as she asks her Mother and Sister "What are the two of you watching?" Sarah responds to her Sister "Possible potent sex." Myrtle laughs "Remember that Regina? It looks like you're not the only horny bitch on the block now. We got two sex addicts behind us." Regina laughs "I watched them last night. I wish we had a pool." Myrtle sighs "And there's the reason why we don't have one." Meanwhile someone knocks at the door, as Ted answers from inside, and a yell's heard, as Alberta yells "Sarah! Sarah!" Alberta walks out onto the patio, as Regina rolls her eyes, and Myrtle and Sarah turns to Alberta, as Sarah asks "What is it?" Alberta asks "Watching the neighbors? Ward and I did the same thing. But that's not why I'm here." Regina quips to Alberta "You have always been a nosy person." Alberta asks Regina "Wouldn't you like to play with your Husband? I see slut in your eyes." Regina yells "I have to work!" Regina leaves, as Alberta tells Sarah "Look at what I found this morning in Ward Jr's bedroom." Myrtle and Sarah looks at a pregnancy test, and Myrtle asks Alberta "Are you trying to tell us you are pregnant? I hope so." Alberta reminds her friend "I am 65, and sadly no." Sarah sighs with disgust "Amelia is Mama." Alberta yells "Damn right! And by the way, guess who's been staying with me?" Sarah is silent, as she fumes, as Myrtle asks "Your Mama?" Alberta snaps "Amelia! In Ward Jr's room! What are we going to do Sarah?" Sarah pulls out her cell phone, as she calls her Granddaughter, and gets no message, and Sarah leaves a message, telling Amelia "Call me ASAP!" Sarah hangs up, as Alberta tells Sarah "We're going to Amelia's apartment. She's moving." Sarah screams "WHAT!" Myrtle quips "Forget the mall, I'm going with the two of you."

   At Amelia's Apartment, Amelia and Ward Jr kiss, as Amelia tells her fiancee "At least now I'll be closer to MaMa, and Grandma living with you, and Alberta and your Dad." Ward Jr sighs "Well he isn't pleased, and I haven't told Mama yet." Amelia asks "I thought you told her?" Ward Jr replies "I don't know how." Amelia sighs "Well I haven't said anything to MaMa yet either. If she learns of this she will rip me to shreds." Ward Jr assures Amelia "Nobody knows. And my Mama respects my privacy." The door swings open, as Sarah, Alberta, and Myrtle walk inside, as Sarah asks her Granddaughter "So what's with the boxes?" Myrtle looks around, as Alberta pulls out the pregnancy test, and Ward Jr yells at his Mother "Who said you could go through my shit Mama.." Alberta slaps her Son, as Sarah slaps her Granddaughter, as Alberta yells at Ward Jr "Don't you disrespect me! My damn house, and I'll do as I please boy so don't push my buttons!" Sarah asks her Granddaughter meanwhile, in a calm, angry, tone "So are you pregnant? Why are you moving?" Amelia responds "I don't know MaMa." Myrtle quips "My house is full." Sarah asks sarcastically "You don't know? The test says you are, and you're moving?" Ward Jr glares at his Mother, as Alberta asks "Who the hell told you that Amelia could live with us? It sure as hell wasn't your Father, and you sure didn't ask me!" Ward Jr looks at Amelia, as he yells at his Mother "Well then! We'll just stay here and when we find out for sure Amelia's pregnant, then none of you will know!" Sarah looks at her Granddaughter, as she asks "So have you put your notice in? Because you're not staying with me." Amelia picks up the notice, and rips it apart, as she yells at her Grandmother "I'm staying, and all of you get the hell out of my Apartment!" Alberta warns Ward Jr "This isn't over." Sarah looks at Amelia, and tells her boldly "If you can have a child, then I don't have to pay for your way. So both of you need to find a damn job!" Myrtle looks at Amelia, and quips "Well you don't want to know what I think." Amelia yells "Tell me Grandma!" Myrtle slaps her Great-Granddaughter, as she goes "You are turning into Regina, and my Sarah didn't raise no slut!" Sarah, Alberta, and Myrtle storms out, as Amelia and Ward Jr looks at each other with disbelief, meanwhile outside, Sarah looks at Alberta, as Myrtle asks "Where did the two of you go wrong?"
   A few hours pass, and back at Alberta and Ward's home, Alberta sits in her living room, as Ward walks inside, and Ward asks his Wife "So Junior called and said you hit him?" Alberta responds "Yes the hell I did Ward, he needs to show some respect!" Ward asks "Ain't I the one supposed to hit the kids woman?" Alberta rolls her eyes, and points to Ward's recliner, and tells him "Well if you knew the whole story, you'd killed him." Ward is quiet, as he asks with hesitation "Did he fertilize the half-breed?" Alberta sighs "I found a pregnancy test in his room." Ward snaps "The boy's 20 years old Alberta! Why would you go through his shit?" Alberta snaps "Well it's our damn house, so I have a right to do so. Should have hid it more carefully. Did you know she was planning to move in?" Ward gets up in a fury, and yells "Hell no! Hell no she ain't moving in with us!" Alberta starts to cry, as she tells her Husband "Well he moved in with Amelia instead." Next door at Myrtle's home, Myrtle sits in the den, as Regina and Ted walks inside, as Regina asks her Mother, noticing anger "What's wrong Mama?" Myrtle glares at her Daughter, and sighs "We have another slut in the family." Regina asks "Did Sarah finally admit it?" Myrtle yells "No! But her Granddaughter is, and pregnant!" Regina smiles "Oh? Well well. Anytime I hear news like this..." Myrtle sternly warns Regina, as Ted walks back into the den with a beer "Don't dare get involved! Miranda got pregnant at 16 if I remember correctly, and Marie was 18." Regina reminds her Mother "This isn't about me, but Sarah. Looks like Ms.Perfect failed." Sarah meanwhile walks into the den, as she's overheard her Sister, and asks "What did you say Regina? You are now the perfect parent? Your kids didn't know who to call Daddy because you were too busy playing musical beds. You stay the hell out of this!" Ted looks at his Wife, and tells her "Regina, we should go down to the bar. Too damn tense here." Sarah snaps "Good idea, the last thing I need right now is to deal with the two of you." Regina smiles at her Sister, as she goes "Your first Great-Grandchild, better start making that quilt.." Myrtle yells "LEAVE!" Regina and Ted leaves, as Regina yells "Someone's outside." An older woman walks inside, as Myrtle asks "Zara?" Zara Washington, Alberta's Mother, who's buzzed, goes "Your all white?" Myrtle asks "Are you lost?" Zara looks at Myrtle and Sarah, and asks "Who slapped my baby?" Myrtle responds "Nobody slapped Alberta." Zara yells "Little Ward!" Myrtle responds "Maybe you should go ask your Daughter." Zara snaps "Good. She done moved to whitey-town, and now she's turning into one." Zara mumbles as she walks out "I warned them, I warned them..." Myrtle looks over at her Daughter, as Sarah gets upset, as she asks "Mama, what did I do wrong?" Myrtle responds "Kids these days Sarah. They think they can do whatever they want." Sarah sighs "I stand by what I said. If she can have a kid, she can take care of herself. I'm not paying for that tuition either." Myrtle looks at her Daughter, and responds "Give Mama a hug." Sarah hugs her Mother, as Myrtle whispers "I wish I could have been more forceful with Regina when she was pregnant with her first kid, but.." Sarah responds "Daddy." Myrtle sighs "He was the only one that had a soft spot for her."
    Meanwhile at Amelia's Apartment, Amelia gets off the phone, as Ward Jr asks Amelia "So who was that?" Amelia yells "MaMa just cut my funds for college! She has it in for us!" Ward Jr responds "We may have an ally in my Dad, but only until Mama talks to him." Amelia sighs "Well at least your Grandma seems to support us. She did offer to move in." Ward Jr tells Amelia "Well her favorite past time involves a bottle of cheap wine, and riding the bus and tormenting my Dad. Since we live in the inner city, she may..." Amelia notices Ward Jr freeze up, as she asks "What's wrong?" Ward Jr tells Amelia "I don't think I can handle this. I don't have a job, you don't have a job..." Ward Jr walks into the bedroom, as Amelia yells "Don't you dare do this to me." Ward Jr walks out with his suitcase, and tells Amelia "I'm going back home." Amelia yells "So you're going to leave me here to fend for myself?" Ward Jr responds "I need my Mama." Ward Jr leaves, as Amelia's phone rings, and she responds "Thank you." Amelia sits on the futon, and starts to cry, as she too leaves, as she heads to Myrtle's Home.
    As night's fallen, at Myrtle's Home, Sarah and Myrtle sits on the patio, as Myrtle tells Sarah, pointing towards the neighbors home behind her "Looks like the horny birds are at it again." Mitzi walks over, as she tells Myrtle "I can see better from here." Sarah sighs "This is the last thing I need to see right now." Sarah walks back inside, as Myrtle pulls out a bag of nachos, and tells Mitzi "Let's sit back and watch the neighborhood porno." Sarah walks inside, as Amelia yells from the front door "MaMa!" Sarah answers, and asks her Granddaughter "Why are you here?" Amelia starts to cry, as she tells her Grandmother "Ward Jr left me." Sarah is silent, as Amelia cries "I can't handle this MaMa." Sarah tells Amelia "Well you should have used protection as I told you." Amelia asks "Can I stay here tonight?" Sarah asks "You told me you can take care of yourself. Why do you need me?" Amelia cries "I don't want to be by myself." Sarah sighs "I give in. You can stay in my room, and go to bed. I'll go talk to Ward Jr. Just don't walk back on the patio." Amelia asks "Why?" Sarah whispers "Your Grandma and Aunt Mitzi's watching the neighbors in the back have sex." Next door, Ward Jr arrives, as Alberta walks into the living room in her bathrobe, as does Ward, as their Son asks "Can I move back in?" Ward is silent, as Alberta responds "No. You have a responsibility now Daddy. You can't walk away from it." Ward responds "Too many young black men walk away when the going gets tough boy, my Dad left me, and if that half-breed's pregnant, you're staying with her, and raising that kid!" Ward Jr responds "I'm not ready." Alberta snaps "Well you go back to Amelia's apartment and stick it out! That's what got you into this mess!" The doorbell rings, and Alberta answers, as Sarah walks inside, and glares at Ward Jr, and asks calmly "So you left my Granddaughter?" Alberta tells Sarah "He's on his way back." A laugh's heard from the back porch, as Zara yells "Those two whites are like rabbits in the pool." Sarah tells Ward Jr "Well Amelia's with me, and in the morning we're going to find out if she's pregnant. Her Father walked away from Jenny when she was pregnant, and I think it's cowardly to walk away." Ward nods "I said the same damn thing." Ward Jr yells "Well all of you can take your thoughts and go to hell..." Alberta slaps her Son again, as Ward shakes his head, as Ward Jr yells "I'm going to talk to Amelia." Sarah snaps "No you're not." Ward Jr yells "It's between us!" Zara yells from outside "Shut up! y'all are distracting me!" Alberta yells at her Mother "Go to bed!" Ward Jr yells "Well I'm heading over!" Alberta yells "Go to your room!" Ward Jr asks "Why?" Ward yells forcefully "You heard her!" Alberta looks at Sarah, and tells her "Let me know what happens tomorrow at the OBGYN." Sarah nods, and walks out, as Zara walks inside, and quips "There's some crazy folks in whitey-hood." Alberta looks at her Mother, and sighs "Don't start tonight."
    A day later, at Myrtle's Home, Myrtle sits on the patio, as Mitzi sits with her as they drink water, and Myrtle quips "Any moment now they will be in that pool." Mitzi asks Myrtle, noticing fencing on the ground "I think they're about to build a fence to block us from watching." Myrtle yells "Damn!" Myrtle yells to her Neighbor in the back, as he puts up a wooden fence "Stay inside you wrinkled old horny bastards. And now I won't have to worry about getting ugly-blindness!" Mitzi asks "What do you think possessed them to put up the fence?" Myrtle points towards Alberta and Ward's home, and asks "Remember that laughing and yelling from the back porch?" Mitzi nods, and Myrtle answers "Thank Zara for spoiling our fun." Meanwhile inside, Sarah and Amelia returns from the OBGYN, as Amelia quips "I bought that test at the SuperMart." Sarah quips "That explains it then." Myrtle walks inside, and asks "So are you pregnant?" Amelia shakes her head, and Sarah tells her Mother "A faulty test." Myrtle breathes a sigh of relief, as she responds "I'm not ready for another Great-Great Grandchild again." Sarah quips "Maybe you should tell that to Regina's Grandchildren." Myrtle responds "Well that's not my call. They learned from her." Amelia looks at her Grandmother, and asks "So are you going to pay for my tuition again since I'm not pregnant?" Sarah responds "Half. You are getting a job. You're an adult, so you need some responsibility. You'll be distracted from making attempts then." Ward Jr knocks at the door, as Sarah answers, and Ward Jr walks over to Amelia, and tells her "I'm sorry about the way I acted, and Mama just told me." Amelia sighs "It sucks." Sarah responds "A blessing in disguise. Both of you aren't ready, and neither are Alberta and I." Amelia looks at Ward Jr, and laughs "I'm taking birth control again, so we can still practice." Ward Jr smiles "Nobody's home next door." Amelia and Ward Jr run out, as Sarah shakes her head, as she says to herself "There's no hope for her." Myrtle puts her hand on her Daughter's shoulder, and sighs "Kids these days Sarah. At least she's taking the pill." Sarah pulls out the bottle, and sighs "And she left them here." Myrtle rolls her eyes, and Sarah tells her Mother "She took one when we left the OBGYN. But I'll make sure she takes them, and if not, then.." Myrtle sighs "I'll slap her next time."
 
    

Life With Myrtle: Season One. Episode 9. Blind Dates

   At Myrtle's Home, Myrtle and Mitzi sits on her porch, as the kids walk down the street from high school, as Mitzi turns to Myrtle, as a spark shows in her eyes, as she snarls to Mitzi "Just look at them damn floozies." Mitzi asks Myrtle "Do you call Amelia a floozie? I've seen how she dresses, a lot like these kids walking down the road." Myrtle sighs "That's Sarah's call, not mine." A car meanwhile pulls into the driveway, as Myrtle snarls to herself, as Mitzi silently watches, as Regina's Daughter, Marie gets out of her car with excitement, as Mitzi smiles "Long time no see." Myrtle welcomes her Granddaughter, and asks "Here to take your Mama and ninth Step-Daddy off my hands?" Marie smiles "No Granny." Myrtle reminds Marie with a grin "Remember when you were young, and you called me Granny that day at the mall?" Marie shakes her head, and responds "No?" Myrtle smiles "I slapped you. I wasn't even 40 yet!" Marie smiles "Well you're my Granny." Myrtle sighs "Well I guess I'll have to slap you again, but I like you, so I'll pass. So what's brought you here?" Marie smiles "My Step-Mom died! Isn't that great?" Mitzi snaps "What's great about someone dying? That's awful!" Myrtle asks "How? Did my second favorite Ex Son In Law kill her? She was one bitter bitch." Marie sits down and sighs "No, though he likely dreamed of it. He's ready to move on now and I had an idea." Mitzi tells Marie "Well the two of you can sit and celebrate death! I'm going home!" Mitzi heads over to her home, as Marie tells her Grandmother what she has in mind, as Myrtle smiles "I like that idea. She needs to get out more."
    A hour passes, and Sarah arrives from Amelia's apartment, as she yells "Damn! That girl's wild as hell!" Marie walks out of the kitchen and smiles "Aunt Sarah!" Sarah hugs her Niece, and asks "What's brought you here?" Myrtle follows, as she tells her Daughter "Marie has good news, Phil's single." Sarah asks "Did that bitch he was married to die?" Marie smiles "Yes!" Myrtle tells her Daughter and Granddaughter "Drinks are in order." Sarah reminds her Mother "Remember the last time you drank vodka?" Myrtle sighs "Hell I'll drink one of Ted's cheap beers instead." Myrtle walks into the kitchen, as Marie walks her Aunt into the den, as she asks "You always liked Dad didn't you Aunt Sarah?" Sarah responds "As a Brother In Law, yes. He was the best Husband Regina ever had, and it's a shame she slept with his twin Brother." Marie responds "And since we got that out of the way, Granny and I..." Myrtle walks in the den, and yells "Grandma!" Marie rolls her eyes, and sighs "Grandma and I thought you and my Dad could go out on a date." Sarah laughs sarcastically, as she asks her Niece "What are you up to? Are you mad at your Mother?" Marie shakes her head, and Myrtle quips "Hell it would do you good Sarah. He needs a woman who wouldn't have him whipped like that battleaxe he was married to." Sarah asks Marie "Does he know what you are planning?" Marie shakes her head, and tells her Aunt "Tonight he's going to be in Independence at the General's Inn, and he's expecting to meet me, but instead he'll be meeting you." Sarah reminds her Niece "I don't drink though." Myrtle quips "You go to Colorado once a month though." Marie smiles "I got some of that also." Sarah sighs "Ok. But if your Mother calls me a slut, and I kill her, blame yourself." Myrtle smiles "We'll buy a bottle of vodka and just kill Regina." Sarah heads to her bedroom, as Marie asks her Grandmother "Will Aunt Sarah kill my Mom? Really wouldn't bother me, but?" Myrtle, slightly buzzed, tells her Granddaughter "She's on many shit lists. I got first shot though. Heed these words, I brought her in this world, and I will take her out." Myrtle laughs, as Marie watches on, and tells her Grandmother "I'm leaving before Mom and the wino arrives." Myrtle nods, as Marie leaves, and Myrtle says to herself, as she takes another drink of beer "This is some cheap shit. Next time I'll drink vodka."
   Nighttime arrives, and in Independence, at the General's Inn, Sarah walks inside, as she says to herself "Well looks like this place hasn't changed much over the years." Sarah sees Phil, Regina's Second Husband, sitting at the bar, as he drinks, and Sarah taps Phil on the shoulder, with hesitation, as Phil turns and goes "Sarah?" Sarah goes "Phil Wallace. Long time no see." Phil hugs his former Sister In Law, and pulls out a chair for Sarah, as Phil asks "So why are you here?" Sarah sighs "Marie set you up on a date with me Phil." Phil sighs "Typical Marie. I knew she had something planned. So I guess she told you the news about Kate?" Sarah nods, and Phil takes a drink, and quips "If I had of signed that pre-nup, then I'd divorced her years ago. She controlled me, and Marie hated her." Sarah asks "How did the old bitch die excuse my french?" Phil responds "She was having plastic surgery in Mexico. She was turning into cat-woman." Sarah nods, and responds "Sounds like the way she'd want to leave, under a plastic scalpel." Phil asks Sarah "So how's life treating you these days? I heard about Jenny, and sad I couldn't attend.." Sarah tells Phil "I understand. And let's just enjoy our date. I'd prefer just not talking about it." Phil sighs "Same with the old ax, I mean Kate." Sarah tells the bartender "Gin and tonic.".
   Meanwhile at Myrtle's Home, Regina sits in the den, along with Ted, as Myrtle tells her Daughter "Marie came to visit me today." Regina goes "Oh? She didn't tell me." Myrtle glares at Ted, as he drinks a beer, and Regina responds "Ted?" Myrtle nods, and quips "She was happy though, Kate died." Regina laughs, as she drinks a beer also, and Ted slurs at Myrtle "Since when did you start drinking MY beer?" Myrtle tells her Son In Law "My house, buy yourself a damn fridge!" Regina snaps at her Husband "Shut up Ted! Mama cooked for us, and being surprisingly nice tonight so shut up!" Myrtle grins, and asks her Daughter "So how was work today sweetie?" Regina gushes "You haven't called me that in years Mama. What's come over you?" Myrtle, buzzed, replies "Probably this cheap beer Ted buys. But we should enjoy each other's company. I'm your Mother, and you're my Daughter. My favorite." Regina starts to cry, as Ted asks "Well what about me?" Myrtle responds "Go stand out in the middle of the road for me." The door opens, as Sarah walks inside, as Regina looks at her Sister, and goes "You're dressed nice. Where did you go tonight?" Sarah smiles "I had a date Regina. And no we didn't hit the sheets and run to the night court and marry." Ted slurs "Wouldn't hurt for you to have a man." Myrtle asks "So how's Phil doing?" Regina's eyes widen, as Sarah responds "Very well. We had a few drinks, and shot a round of pool. He's feeling good." Myrtle responds "I imagine so since Kate's dead." Regina asks in a jealous tone "You? Phil?" Regina turns towards her Mother, and goes "You lied to me tonight? Playing with my emotions while Sarah was trying to sleep with one of my Husbands?" Ted coughs, as Sarah reminds her Sister "You are married, and you shouldn't have slept with Phil's twin Brother and married him, then maybe I wouldn't be going out with him again." Regina yells "AGAIN!" Myrtle sighs "Well Regina, Marie wants Phil to be happy, and I miss him calling me Mother Thomas." Myrtle heads to her bedroom, as Regina yells "Get back here you old woman!" Myrtle smiles, and tells Regina "I don't have wrinkles. Look in the mirror you old bat. Night." Myrtle heads to her bedroom, as Regina yells at her Sister "Don't you think of it." Sarah laughs "I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow night Regina. Now tend to your idiot." Sarah heads to her bedroom, as Ted asks his Wife "Who's Phil?" Regina sighs "Ted, we won't discuss that."
   A week passes, and the tension mounts in Myrtle's home, as Myrtle and Mitzi walks inside, as Mitzi asks Myrtle "I hear yelling." Myrtle quips "Marie must be here." Myrtle and Mitzi looks into the den, as Regina yells at her Daughter "How dare you set my Husband up with your Aunt Sarah?" Marie snaps "Well he deserves happiness. Something you or Kate never gave him Mom! And you're married now, so shut the hell up." Mitzi rolls her eyes, and warns Myrtle "Well, look at this, you don't come griping to me about your mess." Regina yells at Mitzi "Damn right it's her mess! She helped my crazy ass Daughter pull this off. They are going steady! Damnit!" Mitzi heads out, and says to herself "Well I guess she gets it from her Mother." Myrtle yells at her Daughter "And where is Ted?" Regina yells "In Grandview Mama! Phil's on his way over here and I'm waiting for him and Sarah!" Myrtle goes "Really? Who invited you?" Regina yells "I pay rent!" Myrtle quips "And my name's on the deed." Marie warns her Mother "You and I are going out for a little while. You can go see your Grandchildren." Regina snaps to her Daughter "The hell with them! I'm staying put!" Regina sits down, and Marie looks at her Grandmother, as Myrtle tells her Granddaughter "Watch your Mother, and practice what you learned working at the Mental Hospital. I hear Sarah and Phil." Regina yells "I'm going out there!" Myrtle walks out, and shuts the door, as Marie holds her Mother back, as Myrtle goes "Phil Wallace! My second favorite Ex-Son In Law! You look well." Sarah sees Regina's car, and asks "So I take it you and Marie couldn't bribe Regina." Phil goes "Regina's here?" Myrtle sighs with disgust "Yes. And she's mad." Phil sighs "Figures." Myrtle asks "So have the two of you jumped into bed yet?" Sarah shockingly responds "Mama! No we haven't! Why would you ask such a thing?" Myrtle quips "Well, feel free to here." Sarah whispers to Phil "Mama's lost her filter." Regina meanwhile storms out, as Marie follows as she yells "Sorry Granny!" Myrtle yells back "Grandma!" Regina yells at her Ex-Husband "So you're missing me so bad you're going to get with Sarah? Yuck." Sarah quips "We're going to the motel, and then down to the courthouse Regina." Regina screams "You SLUT!!" Marie jumps "Are the two of you actually tying the knot?" Sarah looks at her Sister, as Myrtle threatens Regina with pepper spray, as Mitzi walks outside and watches on, as Sarah laughs "No Marie. We're friends, but I just had to do that to piss your Mother off." Regina yells at her Sister "It's not funny Sarah!" Sarah responds "The hell it isn't." Mitzi yells "I got a photo! I'm going to see if Johnny will print this." Mitzi runs back in her home, as Myrtle tells Sarah "She fell for it." Phil quips "I'm like Sarah when it comes to marriage, I'd just prefer staying single. We're both content Mother Thomas." Myrtle hugs Phil, and looks at Regina, as she tells Sarah "See Sarah! He was never interested in you!" Marie snaps at her Mother "Aunt Sarah's more of a Mom to me than you've ever been!" Myrtle sighs "Oh hell." Phil looks at Sarah and Myrtle, as Marie and Regina gets into a huge argument, and asks "So would the two of you like to go to dinner? I have seen these two talk, this is common." Myrtle and Sarah accepts, and they leave with Phil, as Regina argues with her Daughter on the porch, as Mitzi sits on her porch, and sighs "Too damn much alike."
   

 

Life With Myrtle: Season One. Episode 8. The Dodger

   At Alberta and Ward's Home, Myrtle sits in a chair in the basement, as Alberta styles Myrtle's hair, as Alberta tells her "I think this will look great. I apologize for all the mess in here." Myrtle sighs "Hell you just moved in, but I notice someone's trying to take this sanctuary from you from the looks of that couch and TV." Alberta sighs "My Husband." Meanwhile, the door to the basement opens, as Ward Woods Sr, Alberta's Husband of over 40 years, walks downstairs, telling his Wife "We got all the mail again. Some interesting stuff." Alberta looks over the envelopes, as she asks her Husband "Did you go through everybody's mail?" Ward responds "Yeah." Alberta asks "Why?" Ward responds "Just want to know how to live in white man's land.." Myrtle looks over, as Ward tells Myrtle "Tell that damn wino Son-In-Law to stop throwing his white trash in my yard." Alberta snarls "Our yard." Ward snarks "Whatever woman." Myrtle asks "Since when am I white trash Ward?" Ward responds to Myrtle "Nothing against you, or Sarah, but Regina, and that Granddaughter of Sarah's, damn.." Alberta rolls her eyes, as she warns Ward "Don't get started." Meanwhile Ward looks at another letter, and asks Myrtle "So who's JWR?" Alberta hits Ward on the shoulder, as he reads out loud "I'll be in town tomorrow. Moving on?" Myrtle reminds Ward "Remember John Wayne and Roy Rogers?" Ward quips "I didn't watch that shit." Alberta glares at Ward, as Myrtle goes "Remember the fastest Running Back and Wide Receiver at East High School?" Ward answers "William Thomas?" Myrtle nods, as she reminds Ward "My Son Ward." Ward exclaims "Ahh! William! I didn't know he was your Son." Alberta asks her Husband "Did you hit your head? You knew that. I'm thinking you and Mama need to stop drinking together." Ward walks upstairs, as Myrtle tells Alberta "My boy's on his way home."
   At Myrtle's Home, Sarah cleans, as Ted yells from the den "Bring me a beer!" Sarah, standing in the kitchen, stops, and walks to the den, and asks Ted "Do I look like your Wife?" Ted yells "Well she should be serving me!" Sarah snaps "Well you have two legs that work, take your ass to the kitchen if you want a damn beer!" Ted gets up, and heads to the door, as he yells "I get better service in Grandview!" Sarah yells back at her Brother In Law "And this ain't Mama's Bar, so go to Grandview and stay there you drunk impotent piece of shit!" Ted opens the door, as a man stands on the other side, as he asks Ted "Who in the hell are you?" Ted responds "I live here. And you are soliciting." Meanwhile Myrtle walks across the yard, as she sees her Son, William standing at the door, as Myrtle yells with excitement "William!" William runs to his Mother, as they hug, and William asks his Mother "Who's the asshole living with you Mama?" Myrtle sighs with disgust "Regina's tenth Husband." William rolls his eyes, as he asks "Want me to kick his ass?" Ted looks at William, and snarks "Oh. Oh. Regina told me about you. You didn't serve in the war. You're a disgrace." Myrtle warns Ted "If I were you, I'd go to my stool at The Losers Club Teddy Bear." William asks "So Regina's still herself I take it?" Myrtle holds her Son's hand, as she walks him inside, and sighs "She lives here now, and so does Sarah." William smiles "There's someone I'd want to see." Myrtle and William walks inside, as Myrtle yells for Sarah, and tells William "Stand at the door." William walks out, as Sarah tells her Mother "Alberta did a great job on your hair." Myrtle quickly bows, and sighs "Thank you. Open the door." Sarah asks suspiciously "Why?" Myrtle nudges her Daughter, as Sarah opens, and cries "William!" William hugs his Sister, and goes "Sarah it's been too long!" Sarah nods, and replies "Yes it has." Myrtle exclaims "My two favorite children are home. Now let's all sit down." Myrtle, William, and Sarah sits inside the living room, as William tells his Mother "Well I got everything cleared finally, and I can come home without getting arrested." Myrtle holds William's hand with content, as she sighs "Finally. I have missed you so much." William asks his youngest Sister "So I hear you named your Son after me?" Sarah smiles "I did. And I guess Mama's filled you in over the years John Wayne Rogers." William laughs "Good alias huh?" Myrtle smiles "It certainly was my little cowboy." William laughs "I'm almost 65, I think I'm the old cowboy now." Myrtle quips "You have aged very well, and look like your Daddy." William sighs "I wish we could have made peace." Myrtle looks at Sarah, as she warns her Son "Well enjoy this peace until Regina comes home."
   Evening has arrived, as Myrtle and Sarah are in the kitchen, as Sarah tells her Mother happily "I'm glad William got everything taken care of with the government. Think he'll move back." Myrtle quips "I'll let him move in and kick your Sister out." Sarah laughs, as does Myrtle, as William's outside, as William and Ward sits on the porch, as William and Ward reminisce on their childhood, as William tells Ward "It was good you and I played for the same team." Ward quips "I know. I think you were the only white I didn't break in two in High School." William asks "So you still have your prejudices Ward?" Ward sighs "Nah. Now I don't like anyone. That's driving the city bus. You were smart. I shouldn't have shot myself in the leg. I lost out on that scholarship over that. I wasn't going to serve either in Vietnam." William tells his friend "When Bobby was killed, that was that for me. I knew it was bullshit and I wasn't fighting in a bullshit war." Myrtle walks outside with sweet tea, and smiles "Well look at this. Ward Woods is acting civil." Ward laughs "Myrtle, William and I always got along. We've been friends since integration." Myrtle asks "Should I call your Wife and tell her about this moment?" Ward warns Myrtle "Don't tell her or I won't be able to live it down." Sarah walks on the porch, as William asks Ward "So you married Alberta Washington?" Ward sighs "Yeah. And she drives me crazy. Especially her Mother. She sits behind me every day, and we take shots together when we make stops. She and I get along, though she drives Alberta crazy." Meanwhile in Grandview, Regina arrives at The Veteran's Club, as Ted looks at his Wife, and tells her "Your sorry ass Brother's in town." Regina rolls her eyes, as she sighs in disgust "Daddy would roll in his grave knowing he was back. Sorry bastard." Ted takes another drink, as Regina also orders a beer, as she gripes "Just wait until we get home. Won't be a pleasant reunion. William will be back to wherever he's been before the night's done."
   A hour's passed, and Myrtle sits in the den, as William and Sarah sits with her, as William tells his Mother "Dinner was excellent." Myrtle smiles, as she sighs "It was nice." Sarah adds "It's definitely nice without Regina here..." The front door slams open, as Regina and Ted storms inside, and Regina walks into the den, and William quips to his Oldest Sister "Age hasn't been good to you. You look like hell." Myrtle laughs, as Regina yells "Get the hell out of this house you ungrateful bastard!" Sarah stands up, as she glares at Regina, as does Myrtle, as Ted yells "You are a disgrace to America." William looks at Ted, and warns him "From what Sarah's said and Mama, you lied your way into the Veteran's Club of Grandview. And I don't like the fact the two of you live here and take advantage of my Mother!" Regina yells "Daddy hated you. You were too damn selfish and almost broke up our family!" Myrtle yells at Regina "Hold on there! You let me tell you something! I was against that damn war, and every war that's happened since Korea! Don't even start bringing up the past!" Regina asks her Mother "How would Daddy feel knowing he's here?" Myrtle forcefully slaps Regina in the face, and asks "How does that feel Regina? Is that a damn answer for you?" William tells Regina "When I left, you already were working on a divorce from your first Husband, who was drafted, and then divorced him when you met that other guy. Already had two kids." Regina snaps "Shut up!" Sarah stands by William, as Ted yells "You should be arrested!" Sarah yells, defending her Brother "He got that under control." William walks up out of the den, as he yells with disgust "I won't listen to this shit. I came here to see my Mama, and as far as I'm concerned Regina, you can kiss my damn ass!" Ted blocks the doorway, and William warns Ted "Are you testing me?" Ted snarls "Coward." William responds with a right hook, as Regina yells at William "How dare you hit my Teddy Bear!" Sarah and Myrtle stands back, as Myrtle grows furious, and yells loudly "I want everyone in this house to shut the hell up a damn minute before I pull out the damn pepper spray on Regina and Ted!" Regina yells "Mama you are really disrespecting Daddy letting that piece of shit stay in our home." Myrtle snaps at Regina "Your cousin was killed in that damn war for no reason, and I wasn't about to send William off to Vietnam for no reason! And if you want to judge bitch, look at me, I gave him the damn money to flee!" Regina's jaw drops, as Ted looks at Myrtle, and snaps "You are a disgrace too." Sarah slaps Ted in the face, and the door opens, as Ward walks inside, as he grabs Ted, and kicks him off the porch, as Regina yells at Ward "No need for you to be here!" Ward angrily tells Regina "Ain't no damn body about to disrespect my best friend in this house!" Ward tells William "Come over and stay with us." Myrtle hugs her Son, as she looks at Regina, and tells Ward "No Ward, William will be staying here." William tells his Mother "It'd be best Mama." William grabs his suitcase and heads next door to Alberta and Ward's, as Myrtle locks the door behind her, as Ted yells "Let Me In!" and a few moments later Ted yells again, as Ward also delivers a punch and yells "Keep the damn beer cans out of my yard you damn racist!" Back inside, Myrtle yells for Regina to sit down, as Sarah is silent, fuming with anger, as Regina yells at her Mother and Sister "The two of you make me sick!" Myrtle stands in front of Regina, and tells her Daughter in a stern and bold tone "When William got that draft notice, I told him I didn't want him to go because of Bobby. Your Aunt Ira never recovered from that. Jimmy was hellbent on William serving, and we nearly divorced over it, but Jimmy forgave William, and when I got my job at Jones in Downtown, I gave William my first ever paycheck, and Jimmy's check to help him go to Canada. A parent who loves their children will do whatever it takes to save them. Although with you Regina, there were no hope." Regina gasps "You gave Daddy's check to William?" Myrtle snaps "Shut up! You have no room to talk to me about it, and I won't discuss this again. You should be ashamed of yourself, and Ted can sleep out in his truck, if he comes in this house, Ward will kick his ass!" Myrtle storms off to her bedroom, as Sarah looks at her Sister, and tells her "You need to just go get a room." Regina snarks "The hell I will Sarah!" Sarah asks "Want another slap from me? Here's some money! Leave!" Regina storms out, as Sarah walks outside, and heads over to Alberta and Ward's and knocks on the door, as Alberta answers, and tells Sarah "I heard that fight. And Ward Jr's with Amelia so you know." Sarah rolls her eyes, and asks her friend "Where's my Brother?" Alberta walks with Sarah into the basement, as Ward and William sits, and Sarah tells her Brother "I ran Regina off. Please come back home." Ward tells Sarah "He's fine here. We're enjoying my den." Alberta tells her Husband "This is my private salon, not your manhole Ward!" William asks Sarah "How's Mama?" Sarah sighs "She's upset." Alberta and Ward looks at Sarah and William, and tells William "Go back over there. Myrtle doesn't need this." William picks up his suitcase again, as he tells his Sister "You always had my back Sarah." Sarah tells her Brother "And you are my hero William."
   Meanwhile back at Myrtle's Home, Myrtle sits in her bedroom, as she has a flashback, and looks at Jimmy's photo, and cries "Jimmy, he came back, but you weren't here. I'm glad you made peace with him, but he needed to know that." Myrtle hears a voice, that says "Tell our Son I love him, and I'm proud of him Myrtle." Myrtle smiles, as she cries "I will do that Jimmy." Myrtle goes to sleep, as Sarah and William sits in the basement, and catch up, as Sarah asks William, pulling out a box "Wanna relax?" William tells Sarah "I'll pass." Sarah lights a joint, as she quips "My relief from Regina." Sarah then catches her Brother up on everything, as Regina and Ted sits in a motel room in Grandview, both fuming.from the fallout earlier. A few days pass, and William prepares to leave to return to his home in Canada, as Myrtle tells her Son "Next time bring my Grandchildren." William hugs his Mother, and Sarah hugs her Brother, as William tells them "I'm moving back to America soon, and when I do, I'll let the two of you know." As William opens the door to leave, Regina stands on the other side, as Myrtle and Sarah both glare, as Regina looks at William, and tells her Brother "I was wrong William. Will you forgive me?" William hugs Regina, and tells his Oldest Sister "I do." William leaves, as Myrtle asks Regina "What changed your opinion?" Regina tells her Mother and Sister "Someone told me to or else I'd have hell to pay." Myrtle, Sarah, and Regina looks over to the wall, at Jimmy's photo, as all of them hold each other for a moment.