Life With Myrtle: Season One. Episode 2. House Rules

   It's morning time in Myrtle's House, and Sarah has walked back into the house from getting the newspaper, as Regina lays on the pull out bed in the den, and Sarah holds a trash bag, and yells at her Sister "Wake up and fix this bed Regina. And clean up this litter of beer cans from last night." Regina slurs "Do I have to?" Sarah pulls the sheets off of Regina, and the pillow from under her head, and quips "I can just fold you into the couch. Now get your ass up and clean this mess before Mama wakes up. She's already mad you and the wino have made this home." Regina looks over, and asks Sarah "Where's my Teddy Bear? Did you have sex with him?" Sarah responds in a dead-pan tone "I'd become a lesbian if Ted Jones was the only man left on earth." Meanwhile in Myrtle's bedroom, Myrtle lays in the bed, as she hears a man's snore, and says to herself in her head "Jimmy?" On the other side, Ted lays on the other side, with his mouth open, as he's passed out after a drunken stupor the night prior with his Wife. In the kitchen, Regina picks up beer cans, as Sarah watches, and Regina asks in a rude tone "Well Sarah are you going to help me?" Sarah responds "Make sure to put something on those eyes. You look like a fried bug." Back in Myrtle's bed, Myrtle looks over, as she sees Ted laying next to her, and Myrtle's eyes widen with disgust, and in the kitchen, Regina and Sarah hears Ted yell in a slurred tone "What the.." As Myrtle screams "Get the hell out of my bedroom you impotent bastard!" Ted runs out of Myrtle's bedroom, in his underwear, as Myrtle holds a can of pepper spray, and yells "I should spray your ass! Damn drunk!" Regina glares at her Sister, as she yells to Sarah "We should have gotten the bedroom." Before Sarah responds, Myrtle snaps at her Oldest Daughter and Son In Law "What the two of you should do is buy a damn cot at the wino bar the two of you congregate!" Ted responds "I'm a veteran Myrtle." Myrtle responds "Only with a bottle of beer." Sarah asks Ted "So my friend told me you lied your way in down there?" Regina responds to Sarah "Stay the hell out of my business! And poor Ted's." Myrtle quips "He's poor alright. And apparently stupid. May have finally found someone on your IQ level Regina." Regina asks her Mother "And what does that mean?" Myrtle laughs "I could call you a slut? Both are true anyway. Now go put something on under those eyes, and I'm going out on the patio. And clean this damn mess." Myrtle grabs the newspaper, and slams the door, as Regina tells Sarah "You'll have to move." Ted agrees, and Sarah tells Regina and Ted " And the two of you can kiss my ass."
   Outside, Mitzi sits on her porch on the side of her house, as Mitzi yells at Myrtle "Good morning." Myrtle walks over, as a yelling match starts inside Myrtle's house between Regina, Ted, and Sarah, and Myrtle stares towards her home, and Mitzi looks at her neighbor, and asks "What's with that look Myrtle?" Myrtle whispers "I found someone in my bed this morning." Mitzi's silent, as she pours Myrtle a cup of coffee, and Myrtle sarcastically tells Mitzi "I think that wino tried to rape me." Mitzi asks "Did Ted.." Myrtle responds "I woke up from a dream of Jimmy, and look over and see Ted. I kicked him! Damn drunk." Mitzi rolls her eyes, as she asks "Want to stay here?" Myrtle tells her friend, as they sit and listen to the yelling at Myrtle's house "I may need to break that up." Mitzi sighs "At least nobody lives with me besides Johnny." Myrtle sighs "At least you have a good Grandson. I have a two good children, and Regina. I wish Jimmy had of worn a condom when we went to Canada years ago." Mitzi goes with shock "Canada? You never mentioned that before." Myrtle responds "If Regina were your child, wouldn't you like to forget it? I've had to live with the nightmare for 65 years." Mitzi shakes her head, and changes subjects, asking Myrtle "How about you and I go on our walk at the mall? We'll stop by Pancake King on the way." Myrtle looks towards her house, and tells her best friend "Give me a few minutes. I'm going to spray my bedroom to get the smell of beer out, and get dressed." Myrtle heads back across across the yard as she mumbles to herself "If this shit keeps up, Regina will be a 3 time widow." Mitzi walks back inside her house, as Johnny stumbles into the kitchen, and pulls out a cigarette, and Mitzi points to her front patio, and tells her Grandson "Outside with that!" Johnny takes his coffee and cigarette outside, as Mitzi looks at a picture of her Husband Boyd, who passed away from lung cancer, as she sighs "Your fault.", as she gets ready.
  A hour has passed, and Myrtle walks into the living room, as the TV's on, and Sarah watches "Daylight And Darkness", and Regina sits on the couch, and yells "I want to watch Now And Forever!" Ted meanwhile, sitting next to Regina, and drinking a beer, tells his Wife "I'm going to Grandview." Sarah and Myrtle responds "Don't come back either." Regina yells at her Mother and Sister "The two of you need to stop ganging up on my Teddy, he has issues." Sarah quips "Nobody can help he carries empty sacks Regina." Regina huffs, as Myrtle whispers to Sarah "Good one sweet girl." Regina yells "Teddy I'm coming." Myrtle points to the couch, and tells Regina sternly "Regina Thomas, last name times nine, sit your ass down!" Regina sits, as she asks her Mother "I'd rather have a drink first before you and Sarah starts to push me around anymore." Myrtle looks at her Oldest Daughter, and tells her sternly "If you want to live with your poor senile Mommy as your Daughter Farrah puts it, then I'll treat you like a child. Teach Ted that this den is the ONLY place where you will sleep, and if Ted ends back up in my bed, impotency won't be the only problem facing him, and clean up your mess if the two of you wants to booze!" Regina asks her Mother "What about Sarah? Any rules for her? Isn't fair to point me out." Myrtle smiles, as she looks at her Youngest Daughter, and responds "Sarah has something you don't, brains, and she doesn't sleep with every Tom, Dick, Harry, and Ted in Metro Kansas City and the four corners." Myrtle adds, as she prepares to head to the mall with Mitzi "And Sarah's welcome here, you can ask the Extended Stay sleaze pool in Grandview if they accept credit." Myrtle heads out, as Regina glares at Sarah, and Sarah laughs "Watch your damn show. I'm going to the basement." Regina asks "Doing something illegal little Sister?" Sarah sighs "I'm looking for Daddy's golf club, and pretend for a moment you still live in Ava." Sarah walks out of the den, as Regina sighs to herself "What a bitch."
   Across the State Line, at the "Overland Shopping Center", Myrtle and Mitzi stands in front of Myrtle's former workplace, that's closed, as are all the other stores with the exception of a soda shop and one other anchor remaining, as Myrtle sighs to Mitzi "Poor Jones. I loved this place. You know I worked here for over 25 years before they were murdered by that conglomerate." Mitzi asks "So how's Sarah's doing going back to college going since she was laid off from the evil store?" Myrtle beams "She's almost 60, and soon will be able to be a pharmacist. She's smart. Saved her money, and I miss working here with her everyday." Mitzi laughs "You miss the salon. Admit it. Admit it." Myrtle looks up, and sighs "I wish I knew where Alberta went after Willard's closed this store down." Mitzi sighs "America, or Murica as Johnny puts it." Myrtle tells Mitzi "I barely recognize Kansas City anymore. All the good places are gone." Mitzi responds sarcastically "Besides the casino?" Myrtle responds "True." Meanwhile back at Myrtle's House, Regina drinks a beer, and cleans the house, as Sarah walks out of the basement, and Regina tells her Sister "So it's a problem for me to drink, but you can sneak down and sit in the basement for your "medicine?" Sarah smiles, and grins "Prevents me from killing you. Sad your kids call me more than they call you." Regina takes a drink, and walks outside, as she hears a lawnmower, and looks at Johnny, as he cuts Myrtle's lawn, and watches on, as Johnny looks over, and Regina smiles, as Johnny keeps cutting the lawn, and pushes the mower back to Mitzi's yard, and Regina returns inside, and tells Sarah "He's a cutie." Sarah snaps "He's old enough to be your Grandson! And mine!" Regina asks with envy "Going to tell Ted I was eyeing a young man?" Sarah laughs "Don't tempt me."
   A few hours go by, as tension fills Myrtle's home, before Myrtle returns, as Mitzi returns to her home, and finds Johnny on the back porch, smoking a cigarette, and turns to his Grandmother, and asks "Who's the old bitch at Grandma Myrtle's?" Mitzi sighs "That'd be Regina." Johnny responds "She was looking me up and down. Sorta freaked me out." Mitzi rolls her eyes, as she sighs "And the slut lives on." Mitzi hands Johnny a check, and tells her Grandson "Myrtle gave me this to give to you. She really thinks the world of you." Johnny responds "I really miss Grandpa Jimmy and Grandpa." Mitzi sighs "I know baby. I do too." Now you go get ready for work." Johnny asks, noticing a look in his Grandmother's eyes "Are you about to go next door?" Mitzi smiles "Don't be late for your job at the United Saver. Remember Jimmy helped you get that job. Run along now." Next door, Myrtle looks around the house, as she tells Sarah "You did great cleaning the house my sweet girl." Regina meanwhile rolls her eyes, as she sighs "I cleaned the house Mama." Myrtle sarcastically tells Regina "I'm sure you did. I'll check the safe." Myrtle walks to her bedroom, as Regina snaps at Sarah "I just hate you." Sarah tells her Sister "At least I have friends. You just have Teddy Bear." A truck pulls up, as a man helps a drunken Ted inside, as he slurs "I need another shot." Regina runs to the refrigerator, as Sarah warns her Brother In Law "If I were you I'd stumble down the road." Ted passes out in the floor, as Regina bends down, and helps her Husband onto the couch, and Ted kisses Regina, as she tells him "I know what will sober you slightly, and make you feel better." Myrtle walks into the living room, and yells at Regina and Ted "The Budget Lodge is down the road." Regina sighs to Ted "We just can't get any pleasure." Myrtle laughs "My house, and no sex around here unless you go rent a room." A knock is heard at the door, and Sarah goes to answer, as Myrtle warns Regina and Ted "And Ted, just so you know again, I'll call you nub if I find you back in my bed again." At the door, Sarah opens to find Mitzi, as Mitzi asks "Where's Regina?" Sarah points towards the den, as Mitzi walks in, and slaps Regina, and yells "Slut." and warns "Don't think of it." Mitzi walks out, as Regina yells "All of you hate me don't you?" Ted slurs "I don't." Myrtle asks Sarah "What was that about?" Sarah turns to her Oldest Sister, as does Myrtle, looking at her Daughter, as Regina yells "I think Mitzi's losing it." Myrtle responds "No, only you Regina. Only you."